The other day, my parents asked me (22M) if there were any women that I find attractive (I guess because they’re paranoid about me being gay lol) and I told them yes, there’s a fair number of women that I’ve seen in public that I’ve found attractive.
They asked me, “Do you talk to any of them?” and I said “No??? It’s inappropriate to approach women in public unless you have business with them.”
I told them that it is only appropriate for a man to talk to a woman he doesn’t know when the social situation is explicitly designed for meeting strangers—dating apps, hobby groups, meeting friends of friends, etc. In my view, cold approaching women you don’t know just because you’re attracted to them is harassment.
My parents told me that I’m being ridiculous and making excuses because I’m nervous. They are adamant that I need to learn to approach women or else I will never find a partner. I told them that times have changed and this is disrespectful and potentially predatory behavior along the lines of unsolicited flirting and catcalling. Approaching women is a violation of their personal space and could make them feel very uncomfortable, especially if they feel like they don’t have an easy way out.
My parents are almost 60 and they are very conservative, so they don’t exactly follow progressive discourse, and I feel like they’re super out of touch on this as a result. Particularly, my mom tends to strike up conversations with other women in public, and she’s skeptical when I tell her that I can’t do the same thing because I’m a man and would be viewed as a potential predator.
But I also don’t get out much, which makes me second-guess how distorted my understanding of the social world is from reality. My parents are like a broken clock, and sometimes they DO have a point about something despite 90% of their opinions being insane. Maybe there is a more nuanced reality that I’m not picking up on.
So I wanted to ask here. Are my parents out of touch? Am I out of touch? Are we both wrong? I want to know your opinion.
Basically, you’re right and thank you for acting that way. Your parents are wrong.
This could depend where you are from. I’m from France and a bit of chit-chat with a stranger is not a bad thing to me. But if a male stranger try a bit too hard to stir up a conversation, I would feel ackward, mostly because I’ll “fear” they are trying to hit on me, which is not okay for a stranger to do out of nowhere.
But at the same time if you try to make friend with more women, maybe one day, you’ll find a partner in one of them. If you genuinly try to make connection with a woman in a non-sexual and non-romantical way and after sometime, you feel like having another kind of relation, it is totally different and not creepy at all.
This is terrible advice. Don’t listen to it OP! She’s sending you down the nice guy friend zone trap!
Where is the trap? There have been tons of women in my life that if celircumstances were (totally) different I would be down for sex, but they aren’t. I’m married, they are in committed relationships, and we don’t bring it up beyond maybe some silly flirting.
I am happy they are my friends. A couple of them turned me down when circumstances WERE different, but I still value the relationship, as friends. I value their company, and that’s enough. I am better off knowing them and I hope they feel the same.
Saying “don’t ever express your sexual or romantic interest in women, just be their friend and eventually they’ll come around” is the cringy, needy, “nice guy” playbook. It (1) never works, (2) is disingenuous, and (3) never gets you any closer to having any sexual or romantic partners in the long run.
I’m not saying “don’t be friends with women”. I’m saying - if you are into a girl, make a fucking move. Clearly and openly express your interest and take rejection on the chin. And don’t assume that getting romantically rejected means you can’t be friends afterwards and use that as an excuse to procrastinate.
Where did I say that?
That’s all true.