That’s why the meme works. It’s not because water autoionizes; it’s because water is amphoteric, meaning it can act as either a Brønsted-Lowry acid or BL base depending on what what it’s reacting with. Put water with ammonia, and water acts as an acid. Put water with acetic acid, and it acts as a base
Source: I teach college chemistry
On the other hand, if you’re immortal and you can’t manage to build a fair bit of wealth, what are you even doing with your time?