My father and I had the same name which one part derives from a distant relative. He told me for ten plus years that I was the nth of that name when it really was just us. I had been so proud! Really mean trick on a child.
Grew up in rural Eastern Europe.
I have always been considered “eccentric” or a bit “odd”. I made my peace with it and lived my life knowing that I’m not mentally ok.
After I emigrated to Germany and befriended new people, I realized that I have always been normal, I just didn’t have hillbilly interests like everyone else around me.
How about my entire marriage?
No joke, turns out that he was even lying about his name!
Thankfully, that meant that he and I don’t even share the same last name, so I didn’t feel the need to change it after the divorce.
Nearly every single thing that man told me was a lie.
That must have been horrible. Did it all come out at once, or did you piece things together a little at a time?
I started putting the pieces together during the divorce. Several aliases were given when my lawyer looked into it. Lots of info came out a long while after, though.
Among other things, I found out that he had not been employed where he said he was for a long while, he lied about work “potlucks” in which he “was supposed to bring a dish or a cash donation for food” (he would tell me only an hour or so before these “events”), his therapy attendance, his mandate AA attendance (he had a sponser lie for him in exchange for god knows what), his family experience, his education background, his travels, where he acquired items & appliances, what happened to my pets, etc.
It got real dark. I ran into an old mutual friend after the divorce that I had not spoken to for a looong time. He asked what my ex had “ended up doing with the cat.” I was shocked. My cat mysteriously went missing during our marriage, so I asked what he meant. He said that my ex came over and asked what he should do with “an annoying cat that kept coming to [our] house”, and they had given advice about shelters and websites where he could give the cat away. There was never a cat that came to our house. Only my cat. I never saw him again.
That relationship was an actual psychological horror. There’s soooo much more, but that’s some of it.
Wow, that’s horrifying. He sounds psychotic and psychological. That must be hard to come back from without permanent trust issues. I hope you’re doing okay. Was it long ago?
It was around 6 years ago, at this point. I’m safe now.
I’m lucky he wasn’t a smart man! Manipulation is one hell of a drug. Also, drugs are one hell of a drug! I finally initiated the divorce because he punched a hole in the wall. That wasn’t the final straw… it was actually me finding nearly 50 cans of duster (canned air) in the wall that did it.
Yeah, I’m not sure I ever “came back”, unfortunately. Dealing with the aftermath is not fun.
But I’m happy to finally have a safe & stable environment of my own now. Peace is all I crave now. I’m fortunate to finally have some.
That really does sound like a nightmare. I’m glad you’re in a better place now.
Is he still around doing his lying thing to other people m
Thank you.
He’s around, but away from me. Hasn’t had contact since I made it clear that I have a legal leg-up on him, so he can’t continue to manipulate me. I think he’s still with the woman he cheated with, so he’s her problem now.
I sincerely hope that his life returns to him what he has given to others.
I was 28 when I was diagnosed autistic. Up until then I had just assumed I was shitty and worthless. Turns out there has never been anything wrong with me, it’s actually society that has failed me.
37 when I found out. Surprised I even made it this far, doing a bit better now that I know now.
Hey, I was the same age. I’ve gotten a lot better but if I’d learned years earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have had so much of my life where I was doped to the gills for being “weird and sensitive”.
Excellent! There are definitely both pros and cons to finding out, but I believe that the pros outweigh the cons. Perhaps the most significant pro is that it helps alleviates self hatred.
“It all started back in elementary school when they told me I was ‘gifted’…”
I thought I was smart/knowledgeable until I started working with people who really are smart/knowledgeable.
I tried to keep up and be one of them, but I do better when I just try to follow along with them and consider alternatives and implications of what they propose.
I wouldn’t say I’m the token idiot, but I have perspectives they don’t, and those are useful. Then again, that’s exactly what the token idiot would say.
The fact that you can follow along & offer a different perspective counts for more than you think, because it shows that you understand.
The worst is the people who think they’re the smartest person in the room, don’t understand what anyone is trying to explain to them, and insist on doing everything their way.
Seems more common than they made it out to be.
I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older, everything I thought was unique to me was fairly common among other people.
They assigned male at birth, they were wrong - oops.
Same here! I had to cosplay as a guy for 47 years. Yuck.
Yeah but, cosplay is fun, that doesn’t sound fun at all
If comfortable, could you or someone else who is trans try to explain the feelings behind transitioning to me, a cisgender? I support trans rights and maintain the philosophy of live and let live (dare I say, true individual freedom as a leftist); I’m just trying to better understand for my own sake.
More specifically,
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Is it a matter of societal forces imposing masculine expectations because of your physical characteristics when ultimately, what you feel deep down are effeminate characteristics of the true you? (Or am I wrongly assuming that one is transitioning to another gender and not instead to non-binary?)
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If yes to the first, if society was more receptive to, say, masculine women or effeminate men at face-value, would that have made you more comfortable prior to transitioning?
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If no, I’m interested in better understanding how this sort of realignment for lack of a better word improves the feelings of gender dysphoria if it’s more an internal pressure than one imposed upon you by society.
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In terms of physical attraction, are say MtF by the statistics more attracted to M or F, or is it split, are the bisexual/asexual/pansexual, or is data unclear? Is the aspect of gender dysphoria entirely decoupled from the notion of partner attraction (gay, straight, etc.)?
Hopefully I asked these in a way that is both respectful and makes sense. No pressure to respond, thanks.
The answer to this, like most identity-related questions, vary pretty significantly by the individual.
Some people transition because they feel more comfortable presenting in ways stereotypical of the other gender, others because they feel dysphoric with their body. Most are some combination of both.
Personally, I don’t feel much “social” dysphoria as I am (mostly) comfortable with my presentation, however I feel pretty intense body dysphoria, so my transition was primarily physical, with some lifestyle changes to fit in better.
It’s possible that dismantling of binary gender norms may allow more people to live comfortably without feeling the need to transition, but when you really deconstruct that argument, it’s not really useful. What matters is the reality of people’s experiences. In practice, that argument is usually used to discredit trans experiences as “made-up”.
It’s akin to saying, “People wouldn’t wear clothes (weather permitting) if we dismantled stigma around nudity.” Some people, maybe—it depends on the situation. Pragmatically, we live in a world where it matters, so it’s not a useful argument.
Regarding sexuality, there’s a significant lack of statistical data. There was some progress being made, but recent stigma has slowed scientific research into the topic. Personally I don’t think sexually can ever be fully decoupled from gender as a sense of self is often a significant part of sexuality. That being said, sometimes people change orientation when transitioning, sometimes they don’t. A combination of changing hormones and improved self-image can make a big difference in sexuality.
I’ll simply say that I’ve never associated with the typical male, mainly regarding the toxicity and competitive nature (I find it a huge turn-off). On the other hand, I’ve always had gender envy of women (clothing, makeup, poise), having always loved them and also wanting to be one. Being able to move away from being a guy has been THE most impactful decision of my life and only wish I had done it sooner.
Regarding sexuality, that’s dependent on the individual. I prefer women, so I identify as a transgender lesbian. I’m not sure of the statistics.
Mostly closeted late-identified MtF non-binary here:
You’ve cleanly identified the central uncertainty behind a hell of a lot of “gender binary” discourse, but you’re also brushing against a flamewar about something called “transmedicalism.”
(Thankfully, neither one needs to be answered to get to the correct public policy outcomes of “let people be people” and “don’t be a sexist fart.”)
Transmedicalism can be defined as a belief that only those who medically transition are transgender, with anything short of full HRT and surgery as merely a compromise state and anyone not transitioning full time dismissed as a cisgender person
playing pretendindulging in something less than.Needless to say, there are strong opinions on both sides. Just as there are LGB cis people who dismiss T as a class needing respect and protection, there are T people who dismiss Q+ as a class needing protection or respect.
What makes the argument especially infuriating is the dearth of good statistics on non-cisgender folk at all. Between low sample sizes, huge variance between state law and ethnic acceptance, and often-insulting definitions, precise data is harder to come by for trans sexuality than f-on-m sexual assault.
For your specifics;
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Social expectations are a huge part of gender identity. If I had been born decades later I very well might have come out as non-binary in high school, or might have instead been a full-time trans girl. And if I lived in a redder state, or had a more right-wing partner, I might still identify as entirely cis.
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Maybe? Like I said, it’s really hard to know.
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Data point worth noting : the cis folk who are closest to me are definitely cis.
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With the.huge caveat about data noted above, my understanding is that trans men and women are about even on their split between which sexes or genders they are attracted to. The most prominent single group may be MtF trans women who were in a cishet marriage before they transitioned, but my impression is that about 25% are “gay”, 25% “straight”, 25% “queer”, and 25% “confused by terms.”
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On your last question, from https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/what-is-gender:
What Gender is not is sexual orientation. We describe orientation using terms relative to one’s gender (homosexual/heterosexual/bisexual, etc), but gender itself does not affect sexuality and sexuality has no role in gender.
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Just like everyone else i guess?
Got born as a “baby”, was taught how to “adult”, how to think about concepts like “mathematics” and “politics”;
Had fun while complexity emerged from its singularity but sooner or less the silliness of it starts to break the immersion and you stop waking up.
