I miss those magazines. I love absurdity, and I’d beg my mom to buy them for me. She wouldn’t and said they were trash, and not real.

I know. Thats why I want them. I don’t want real news. I never asked her to buy a newspaper. I want to read how Bigfoot was caught bathing in a bird bath in northern Canada. Yes, I was 7, and knew the difference between this and reality. But I love absurd fake shit.

I spent the 90s watching pro wrestling where an undead wizard faught his own long lost brother, who was thought to be dead decades ago after the undead wizard burned his whole family alive inside the family owned funeral home. Turns out his brother was kept locked in a basement to hide his scars, and now wears a mask to hide his disfigured face. And somehow, because he was burned alive as a child, he now is able to summon fire, which is just as plausible as his brother being able to summon lightning.

I know most of you don’t watch pro wrestling. I get that it’s not for everyone. BUT! After reading that summery of an actual decades long storyline, if you EVER ask a fan of pro wrestling if they know it’s “fake”, you’re even dumber than you think we are.

Point is, I love these magazines, but at some point they gave up. They couldn’t be more absurd than real life.

Absurdity is dead.

Yes, but are you bout it bout it and rowdy rowdy? Are you all that AND a bag of chips? Or are a salty scrub?

The tooth fairy is the sketchiest of the childhood figures. I mean Santa is kind of sketchy with his big brother surveilance of little children.

Jesus is just a magical wizard who becomes a zombie.

The devil never seems to have much of a motivation beyond “do evil shit, and make one sided deals”.

But the tooth fairy??? What the fuck is she doing??? Running around the world paying money for childrens teeth. What the hell is that all about??? Is it a sex thing?? Is this some sort of cult ritual? Are childrens teeth currency in her world???

Thats the problem with these characters. Their motivation is never clearly defined. I remember my mom telling me about santa when I was 5, and I asked why this stranger was ok to come into our home late at night. But I can’t accept 1 piece of candy on the street, even though every halloween we get a full bucket of candy.

Life did not make sense to me as a kid. Doesn’t make sense as an adult. I live in 2025 where government officials are publically doing nazi salutes, and The Onion reports plausible news.

I don’t get life.

Upvoted for calling me attractive!

D’awww!

Is it bad that I didn’t know masturbation was a thing until AFTER I had already had sex? My girlfriend was like “Why are your loads always so massive??? How often do you jerk off???”

And I was like “…what do you mean by jerk off?”

Should have used a picture from WCW when he was hollywood hogan as the after photo. Where he’s just spray painting NWO on Miss Elizabeths back.

Because thats what modern day America is trying to do. Establish a new world order.

Or you could have went a different route, and made the before picture hogan smiling with trump back in 1990 at wrestlemania. And then had the after photo be hogan posing with trump in modern day.

Isn’t that wild? How nothing has really changed? The players are still the same. The issues are still the same. Money. Greed. Power. Control. Racism. It’s all the same.

That’s why I’ll never understand why people say “I wonder what George Carlin would say about things now…”

SAME SHIT HE SAID 30 FUCKING YEARS AGO BECAUSE NOTHINGS CHANGED, ASSHOLES!!! He already saw all this shit. He’s heard this song and dance, and made material about the core concept decades ago. The only thing different is now the volume is turned up, and everybody is saying the quiet part out loud.

Narrator: They did.

I’ve seen plenty of youtube videos to know people are dumb enough to try this.